September 22, 2011


Alternate Title: Someones Gotta Have All the Fun!

On Sunday my wife and daughter are going to join another family on a trip to the local Pirate Festival. Think Renaissance Festival without the frilly clothes swords and hoochie mama's rotten fake English accents boisterous kings and queens, replaced by boisterous pirates and wenches. It's a neat idea, and we have never been, so the girls are looking forward to the trip. Without me.

I will be having a hot date without them, so it's not all a loss for me, right? I've had a kind-of standing date, on and off, for about ten years. Really cute partner, short and chubby. Always too orange, but that changes as the day goes on.

Back when I worked at camp I would just have my date at work - there were only three of us and so there was not really a chance for too much disruption. I would cordon off part of the office - usually down the hallway or, on a nice day, all of one of our retreat cabins just for me. I have never been one for PDA, so I want my own space for this kind of stuff.

Once I moved to a more "proper office" style of office closer to the city I would just take a whole day off of work for my dates. They were infrequent enough that I would use the day to catch up on other things around the house. I had plenty of days at my disposal as far as vacation/sick days, so I never worried about that stuff. Some date-days I would even just work from home at the same time, still not trying to be a distraction to others.

Now that I am a receptionist and with an organization that counts sick, vacation and holidays all in one bank it appears that my dates are going to be pinned to Sunday's for the foreseeable future. Sunday is football day in the fall, and hockey day in the spring, and my companion does not mind sports as much as my wife does. (And does not interrupt me in the midst of a last-minute touchdown drive to ask the score, which is clearly written on the screen, dear wife.) Heck, I could play video games on the TV during halftime and not hear a single peep, my date is quiet about that stuff.

Funny that I've been having this date for a decade now and I'm still not a fan of it. Kind of a ritual that I have dreaded. Have to have it, but do not want to do it. Kind of like cutting my hair, but more messy.
Want to see my partner for the day on Sunday?

That's right: My Empty Bottle!

It will not be empty for long, you can count on that. This bottle is my collector for a 24 hour urine sample.
Yes, every time that I pee, I have to keep hold of it like it's a precious diamonds, which it is not. It's pee. Gross, gross urine. The thing that you have to wash off your hands any time they are near it - yeah, that's the stuff. I can not imagine how much worse it is for my female friends who have to do collections like this, but you can be sure that I do not envy them.

While my girls are out having fun with peg-legs and swashbucklers I will be at home with my TV, a big cup of water and an even bigger bottle of pee.

What are YOU doing this weekend?


  1. I double dog dare you to call the doctor's office at 6 am and tell them that you need another couple of jugs, because you already filled the first one.

  2. So freakin' funny, Rob! But I'm glad you're doing's good to get back in this game :)

  3. LOL - good luck, Rob!! Sorry you're going to have to miss the festival. Samantha wants to be a pirate for Haloween this year. Arrrrgh. :-)